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Remember the cute flutter of hearts,the day when DDLJ songs seems like a perfect staple,the day when you have had ever eye on someone?It's called the age of teens,the age when your mom advices you sheepishly on things you would know but wouldn't want to hear,pretending to be one of the most ignorant teens ever.The feeling is uncontrollable,the desire unexplainable.To spice it all a couple of your friends jokingly and mockingly says "combine the line of your hands,and aha you have the complete half moon" and then you have the whole gang of gals behind how many kids you gonna have,how many relationships you gonna have all written on your palms.We believe,yet we know its for fun.Then we take out our notebooks,write on the last page in big letters FLAME ,we all have done,well most of us have, writing names of our friends,counting the alphabets and tick tock coming up the FLAME answer as FLAM(Anything which fits in first four alphabets sums out to be LOVE).But for reasons true to teens,not all turn out to be fairy tales,some beautiful friendships some a lesson.
It's insane.I am a die hard romantic,and back then I truly believed if I ever have a marriage It has to be a love marriage,or no marriage,so much so that my parents always re-confirmed if I even had a crush,was I in for a marriage?The next 4 years of college life was beautiful,I had the best times with my boyfriend and though we were truly into each other,we never thought of marriage.It was either too early ,or we weren't too compatible.Also,marriage is a responsibility we weren't prepared for.We pledged whatever happens between us "we'll remain best of friends",and "never never marry each other".
We broke up after 4 years of dating for reasons unexplained.We thought our parents are too serious about us,and its time to not joke.I registered my profile in shadi.com,and even though a grip of sadness was still in me,I recovered and heard about all the prospective grooms my parents did present to me.And happily,the prospects were interesting,though I had my mind set on love marriage.
We are born and spoon fed with romantic movies.I was determined to get my boyfriend back,inspite of the prevailing difference in communities and region,we did manage to convince our parents and we got married.It's been a mix of sad and happy moments,but over those 3 years I have learned a lot to cope up and enjoy the life and take it as it comes.It's been an interesting transition.People say every marriage requires a certain amount of adjustment,but for us,we are still going strong,and are still the friends we used to be.The difference is,I no longer watch TV,he does.I sometimes cook,sometimes he makes breakfast for me.Sometimes he loves me,sometimes we fight.But don't all friends do the same?I love to be in the love marriage.Though I would have also never said "no" to an arranged one.My perspective on marriages changed drastically over our breakup,and you'd ask me why?
"The breakup gave me an ample time to analyse.Dad loves Mom.Nana loves Nani.And its not love marriage.It's arranged,then where did the love come from?I love when my mom with due to respect to dad calls him,and says "aap mat karo ye,I'll do it","I also love it when mom and dad pose together,they look so picture perfect".I love when Nani respects Nana and I also love it when they were still by their side in their old age."
Love happens.Marriage makes it beautiful,love or arranged.
I no longer,envy my friends who have had better marriages than me.I am also looking forward to my friend's marriages, that are arranged.We know,it works,sometimes even better,sometimes not so much.
A little what I have learnt on marriages
-Be yourself.Adjust when need be,but do not push too hard,you'd miss yourself when you lose the real you.
-Make some decision mutual,some independent choices.But give space too.
-In arranged marriages,ask your parents to not hurry up.Take a gap of a year after your engagement,know the person,fall in love,understand you are compatible and then marry.
Example :Recently I have seen many of my friend's and relative's parents do the above and it did the trick.
-In love marriage,understand that the person is bound to change a bit.
-In love marriage,its best to know your in laws before marriage and live with them.Only then you can understand the differences or relate to them.
-In today's age,it's important to be not be totally dependent on each other,that ways,you shine as a more confident person who can support your mate in tough times.
-It's also important to mutually agree upon your choice of work,babies,and other decisions before marriage.
-If a marriage turns out to be depressing and not all promising,Step out.Even if it's an arranged or love. After all,you wouldn't want yourself to be in your worst state for the rest of your life.
On Why The Success Rate Of Arranged Marriage Is More?
Reasons are many.We all know it.The grooms are screened and over screened,we get the best of the lot as our selection and we choose.It's our parents best effort.They know us,and they know the best for us.Most of the times as the arranged marriages are from the same community,the lifestyle before marriage and after marriage is identical and hence,we do have to adjust less.But that's not true in every marriage.
In love marriage,we are ruled by our hearts.We seldom enquiry the person's background,community,religion.For us, it doesn't matter.But the truth is,it does.
The silent marital cupid that hurts:LOVE or ARRANGED marriage?
In India,it's common to sometimes adjust for the sake of it.An alcoholic husband,beating a wife.The wife doesn't complain.The husband doesn't love the wife anymore,but the wife is there for the kids.The husband pays no attention,but the wife is there because her parents have arranged the marriage.In such cases please do not overdo the word "ADJUST".Try to make it work,but understand that marriage is for your sake,and not your parents or your kids.Don't take marriage for granted.It could work well as a shadi ka meetha ladoo or a silent marital cupid that kills.
The Almost Perfect Background For Marriage
I say it's almost perfect,because it is my own experience,observation and lessons learnt over the years.
1)If you have a background of your dad being in a transferable job,and you have been pampered to the core,the best and the most suitable match is marry the one who is in a transferable job or someone who has similar background than yours.That ways even if you both are from different communities,the background helps you to connect comfortably.
I have seen many of my friends do it,and they have had the best marriage till date. Touch wood.
2)If you are in love and your backgrounds don't match,like in my case,my dad is in transferable job and my hubby's parents as joint family,there are bound to be differences.Accept it,but also allow each other to grow.
3)If you and your hubby both has a background of joint family,that works well too.
4)If you are introvert and your husband extrovert or vice versa.It's best to respect each other for the differences.
5)If you and your hubby are from different religions,respect each others religion as well.The tendency is to change,change out of your will,not by force.If you think that you need not change anything,stick by it.It'll take time,but your spouse will understand.
6)Never try to burst the bubble of the male ego,but at the same time be mutually agreeable.
As one of my friends said,marriages work depending on individuals mindset and their needs,and the fact is true 100%.
Choice is yours!And make it wise.After All It's a once in a lifetime event.
Arranged or Love doesn't matter.What matters is how you make the most of it.
This post is a submission to "Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage"by Indiblogger and Sony Entertainment Television for their new TV Show